Is Your Child Acting Out? It Could Be a Cry for Connection

Discover how intentional one-on-one time with your children can dramatically reduce emotional outbursts and behavior issues—and strengthen your relationship for life.

Why Your Child Might Be Acting Out (And What They’re Really Asking For)

One huge thing I’ve learned over the last 14 years of motherhood—and nearly 20 years in childcare—is this: when a child is acting out, no matter their age, it’s often a call for connection. More often than not, the behavior can shift dramatically with some intentional one-on-one attention.

When I hear that a child is struggling with emotional outbursts, anger, defiance, or attitude issues, the first question I ask is:"How much intentional time are they getting with their parents?"

I’ve seen a monumental difference this makes—not just in my own kids, but also in stories shared by other intentional moms online. Children need to feel connected to you.

In today’s fast-paced world—where we’re constantly multitasking, listening to podcasts, watching shows, driving to endless activities (whether you homeschool or not)—deep, distraction-free connection can get lost in the shuffle. But children still need it, even if they don’t know how to ask for it.

When that need goes unmet, it often shows up as misbehavior. I’ve seen this in my 1-year-old through big tantrums, and I’ve seen it in my older boys in more subtle ways.

Older Kids Still Crave Connection

Now that my boys are older, their need for connection shows up differently. Instead of outbursts, it looks like lingering.

One of them might hang out in the kitchen while I’m making dinner:"What are you doing?" he’ll ask, not because he’s curious about dinner—he just wants to be near me. Sometimes he’s so close I can barely move, and I have to resist the urge to ask for space so I can finish my chores.

Instead, I try to pause. I’ll give him a long hug, say something silly to make him laugh, and offer to play a game after dinner—my 10 year old's favorite way to connect. With my teen, it’s more about asking what he’s working on or interested in and letting him talk freely—offering real engagement while still stirring the pot and chopping the vegetables. This makes his heart full and when he is done he will wander off to his next activity, feeling connected and seen.

Sometimes, you have to take the lead—even when they act like they don’t want connection. When my son melts on the couch, restless and flopping around for far too long.. I ask, “What do you want to do?” and get a grumbly, “I don’t know…” in return, that’s your cue to step in. Pick a board game or activity you know they usually enjoy and ask them to sit down and join you. Set the scene: play some fun or calming music in the background and set out a little snack tray to make it feel like something special. Nine times out of ten, that annoyed face softens, laughter bubbles up, and you both walk away with a full heart and a reset spirit—ready to face the rest of the day together.

Acting Out Often Means “I Need You”

It’s easier to see those quiet bids for connection. Harder are the loud ones—the screaming, biting, scratching, crying, and wild attitudes. This is most common in kids ages 1–7, but it can happen at any age.

I was recently reminded of this when my 1-year-old daughter wouldn’t stop fussing, no matter what I tried. We were deep in a season of big emotions—lots of scratching, biting, and crying. I had tried different discipline methods, trying to find what worked for her. Every child is different.

But last week, something clicked.

I sat on the floor, pulled out a book, and invited her into my lap. Instantly, her whole demeanor changed. She melted into me—peaceful, happy, and ready for the adventure in my hands.

Even though she gets lots of freedom and play throughout the day, I realized she was craving me. She wasn’t ready to wind down with a show at night—she wanted presence. So now I stack blocks, flip through books, and give lots of tickles.

Since I started prioritizing these extra moments of connection, the scratching, biting, and screaming have almost disappeared. I never had those behaviors with my boys—each child is a new puzzle to figure out.

These Days Are Numbered

It can be exhausting to meet our children’s needs—especially when we’re ready to finally sit down at the end of a long day.

But my husband often reminds me: “Before you know it, she’ll be 10. You won’t have a baby who wants you to stack blocks anymore.”

And he’s right.

As my oldest prepares to start driving, I feel this truth in my bones. One day, I’ll have all the time I could ever want to knit, read, paint, or play music. Those things will be waiting for me in the decades after my children are grown. But these 18 years with them? They go by in a flash.

You can always catch up on a podcast. You can’t catch up on your child needing you. And you’ll never regret the time you chose to connect.

At the end of the day, I may fall into bed completely spent—but my heart is full. My home is full. I dreamt of having this life since I was a little girl.

So don’t rush it. Soak it in.

I’m always grateful when my children show me—through tantrums, lingering, or bored groans—that they need me. It reminds me to put the book down, look into their eyes, and live this moment with them.

After all, is there anything more fun than connecting with your kids? Not for me.

And usually, I realize that I needed it just as much as they did.

So if your child is acting out, maybe it’s not just about discipline—it might be a quiet (or loud!) call for connection.

Every child is different, and every season of parenting holds new challenges, but one-on-one time has never failed to soften hearts—mine included. I’m learning every day that when I pause to be fully present, even just for a little while, the atmosphere in our home shifts.

These years are precious, fleeting, and full of opportunity to plant seeds of love and trust. One day, they’ll be too big to sit on our laps—but I pray they’ll never be too big to talk, laugh, or just linger in the kitchen while we make dinner.

From one tired but thankful mama to another: you’re doing holy work. Take the time, even just a few minutes, to connect. It matters more than we think.

With love,

Tej’a 🤍